Krystle's Journal

new journal..

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 14:12:05 GMT

I'm ceasing to post in this journal, as it has come time to change it. The new one is:

www.livejournal.com/users/everydaygoddess

Have fun.

big 5...

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 15:44:52 GMT

Click on 'bitch here' for the results...

Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Cheerfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	67%
Self-Efficacy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Anger	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Immoderation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Emotionality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%

Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test

MTBI...

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 15:30:37 GMT

Click 'bitch here' to see the results...

Extroverted (E) 69.44% Introverted (I) 30.56%
Sensing (S) 62.96% Intuitive (N) 37.04%
Feeling (F) 61.76% Thinking (T) 38.24%
Perceiving (P) 60% Judging (J) 40%

ESFP - "Entertainer". Radiates attractive warmth and optimism. Smooth, witty, charming, clever. Fun to be with. Very generous. 8.5% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

i'm antisocial? haha.

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 15:27:15 GMT

To see this, just click 'bitch here'..I can't vow for the accuracy of this thing..lol..

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|	10%
Schizoid	\|\|	10%
Schizotypal	\|\|	10%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

enneagram...

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 15:15:45 GMT

To see the results, click on 'bitch here'..it'll bring you to the icon version of it..

and hey..it said I was the 'sexual' variant. woo hoo!

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Advanced Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	41%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	57%
Type 3	Ambition	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	45%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|	18%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	35%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	61%
Type 8	Hostility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	57%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 9w8
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 9w8

Take Free Advanced Enneagram Personality Test

i need to go out more...

Fri, 28 Nov 2003 17:55:02 GMT

There's alot that people don't know about me, for instance, that once in awhile I do want/like/need to let loose and enjoy the fucking fact that I'm 19 and not 50 with grandkids and kids and a mortgage or what not. I feel like I used to have dreams with motivation and drive, persistance and ambition and now I feel like I'm in a grand ol' fucking routine that I can't get the hell out of - and why? When exactly did I lose my dreams and ambition? I couldn't tell you - somewhere between high school and fourth-year UB student is what I'd say. When I started at UB everything was so new, so fresh - I could pick what I wanted to learn and when I wanted to learn it and I was in awe. In HS I was a huge bookworm, I did my work early and revered in the proudness that came from that, and now I'm a hard-core procrastinator, I don't care what I'm learning and I don't get any enjoyment out of it - there's nothing that I'm being taught that makes me want to go on in school, or out into the world to share it. Honestly, if I could do this without being decapitated, I'd love to take a semester off and get the fuck out of Buffalo to explore other places, other things besides these same damn four walls inside the same damn little hole that I grew up in - all I know is SBuff, and I used to think that was ok and now I don't. I want to go away and find something better - I know it's out there somewhere. Maybe if I did that my dreams and ambition would come back. In that aspect, I don't feel like I'm a whole person..I reek of SBuff and there's not one of you who could tell me that I don't. I'm not cultured, I'm not experienced, I have not travelled, I have not seen the world - fuck I live in NY state and haven't even made that whole 6 hour trip to see NYC, I don't even have a DL. Why don't I? Because I don't see a point - I can't afford a car, and there's no one who can help me afford a car because they're too busy paying for their own cars, or what not, so why even bother? I'd get a DL to occasionally borrow Neil's car. WOO. I can't save up for a car because I have to pay fucking UB - UB WHICH I FUCKING HATE. Everyone ends up there except for the privelaged and those who were lucky enough to be born into a country which embraces affirmative action in giving out scholarships and grants for motivation - because HELL NO we won't give it to the girl who worked her ASS off in HS, the girl who took COLLEGE PHYSICS and GOVERNMENT in her JUNIOR YEAR of HS, or the girl who took COLLEGE CALC, CHEM, BIO and HISTORY in her senior year of HS instead of slacking off like all of those fucking people who recieved scholarships because of the color of their skin instead of the merit that granted them (I don't say this for all people who recieved scholarships - just the ones who recieved them due to the fact that 'oh we don't have enough african-american students so here let me give you a free ride so we meet our quotas - even though you only got a 1000 on your SAT's and ranked 150th in your class'...)..YES I am pissed off. I worked my fucking ass off and that's probably when I lost my ambition - when I realized 'hey no one is rewarding you for being this way so why even bother anymore'. How many of you guys realized that I finished in the top 5% of our class, taking four college classes and coming out with what would be the equivalent of a 3.8 in college (a 95.0 average) and recieved not ONE scholarship, not ONE grant nothing. At UB for the past three years I have held a psychology (my major) GPA of 3.7 and have not gotten a departmental grant or anything even though I've applied time and time again. I think that part of me just wants to give up and slip between the cracks becuase I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Knowledge that I had in HS I don't even have anymore - I couldn't tell you half of the things that I knew cold in Hurley's class now..my brother asks me to look over his shit and I get confused, I'm not good at calc anymore - I fucking rocked that class back then, I feel like my brain is becoming mush because I have no ambition to get it to become functional anymore. Like I was told - I'm 19, I can change my mind, I'm not glued into a certain profession because I chose that major to begin with - do any of you guys know why I chose PSY? I chose it to get rid of the constant pressure with no reward. I knew it would be cake for me (and it has been) and I wanted to keep up that persona of being intelligent without really having to try and maybe that's when I lost my motivation. All throughout my childhood I was pushed and shoved into being a good student, the intelligent girl who pulled A's out of her ass, I never was 'cool' - I never went to parties in HS, football games, I never just hung out and did whatever because I was so worried that if I did something would slip and fall and I'd be a 'B' student and my parents would just not have that. I did not live until senior year - and even then it was limited. I was SOOOOOO excited to get the fuck out of here to go to senior trip - even though it was to some bunk ass resort in the Catskill's - I didn't care. There's something about 'here' that's so demeaning. I can't name more than 3 people that I've come in contact with that grew up where I did that are extremely well off - hell, most of the people that went to HS with us from SBuff work at Tops [or some other equivelant shit job], half dropping out of college to enter the workforce w/ a HS degree, and some even having kids and being on welfare already. It's like SBuff is some hick-ass backtown or something where it's ok to be a cashier at Tops your whole life, and it's ok not to go to college and live at home until you're 30. That's where I'm from and I need to get OUT. I need to do something to get myself out of this dirty cycle. Honestly, I'm glad that Neil and I decided that we need to travel more - and even though it was more me saying and him agreeing - it's still better than being here. I feel like I'm locked in without the key or something..if I had to tell you today how old I feel I'd probably decide on 30. I have no youth..the point of youth is to experience life and what it has to offer, when there are no kids, no mortgages and no pressures to pay thousands of bills...and what do we do? We sit here rotting away our youth at home inside our four walls that we stare at every day. I was listening to my ENG prof the last lecture before the holiday and she lived in Prague, all over the US, and all over Europe before she settled. Why aren't we like that? Maybe getting the fuck out of here would help. I feel mundane, I don't even think you can describe a person as mundane..but if you could I'd be it. When I first got to UB I wanted to take music classes but I feared that that wouldn't be a legitimate thing to do in this house. I started college at 17...I was scared that if I didn't do what would make everyone else happy than I would live in a second torturous hell..the kind where everyone else hates you too. I would have loved to join vocal classes...I used to love doing that..it used to make me feel alive..

I'm going on too long..

Write more later.

much ado about nothing..

Wed, 26 Nov 2003 19:42:22 GMT

I don't do much. I mosey about in this world entrapped in four walls. I don't get out much, and somehow this all seems to revolve around him. I see this as a bad thing. I definately need to adventure more. That's all for now..I'll leave you with a song that's stuck within the confines of my head...

Your body's warm
But you are not
You give a little
Not a lot
You coup your love
Until we kiss
You're all I want
But not like this
I'm watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It's only your shadow
Never yourself
It's only your shadow
Nobody else
It's only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

Your body gives
But then holds back
The sun is bright
The sky is black
Can only be another sign
I cannot keep what isn't mine
You left and it lingers on
But you, you were almost gone

It's only your shadow
Never yourself
It's only your shadow
Nobody else

It's only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

I cannot tell if you mean what you say
You say it so loud, but you sound far away
Maybe I had just a glimpse of your soul
Or was that your shadow I saw on the wall
I'm watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It's only your shadow
Never yourself
It's only your shadow
Nobody else
It's only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
No, no, no
It's only your shadow
It's only your shadow
Nobody else
It's only your shadow
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon...

more..

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 03:46:12 GMT

So, as I was saying..[look down to the next post and then read this one], I am planning on being incoherent, so those of you who do come - intend on me being alot of fun...just because I tend to be in those instances :). This instance will take place on December 20th, at 9pm at the RBI on Spark in SBlo - $10/head, 'free' drinks for 4 hours (free meaning AFTER your 10 bucks) only including draft beer and rail drinks..but of course your queen over here (me LOL) will be partaking in the finer things in life - Twisted Cranberry..or perhaps some Crown? Who knows. We will ring in the glorious day of my birth after 3 hours of inhaling alcohol at 12:01am on December 21st...there will be cake..and some form of karaoke..if I can read by that point ;). I need to get things off of my mind...so that will be when it happens. Ok - yes, I do realize I'm rambling..but I'm tired - as I always am...no matter how much sleep I get I'm always fucking tired...maybe that's why my MD thinks I have a thyroid problem? Probably. Anyhow, I'm going to partake in bed now..alone, sadly :(..oh how I miss being in Neil's arms...:(..perhaps these trips we take will bring that part back? If y'all wanna know - we're going to NYC, Ottawa, Boston, Chicago, DC, Cleveland, Virginia Beach, St. Louis, Philadelphia, Nashville and Montreal...in that order, one by one starting in January..YAY :). Any other suggestions would be happily considered. I lie - I'm going to read up on thyroid problems..perhaps I'll post more in a few? Night for now y'all :).

to quote a good song..it's been awhile..

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 03:33:41 GMT

It's been tons of time since I've last updated this precious thing - and with good reason..I don't think I've had eight seconds to sit down (or so it feels like...) in the past week or so, I believe I updated this puppy on the 10th? Between now and then I've had about 10,000 MD appt.'s and have been poked, prodded and pictured..apparently I'm 'healthy' or what not - except that that came along with "here, go get tested for diabetes, thyroid problems and anemia, oh and get a complete blood profile too". My regular physician thinks I have a thyroid problem -greaaaaaaaaat...on top of everything else! I'm having surgery on January 6th at 10am (if y'all wanna bring me flowers you can do so sometime in the afternoon..flowers are encouraged :)! LOL) at Mercy - somehow as an 'outpatient'..but my projectile vomiting in response to anesthetics could keep me there..who knows! These past few days have been a slew of nuts..I have another appointment w/ my surgeon tomorrow - for now; I'm sick of going to appointments on school-days so I think I'm going to change it to Monday - a day absent of school. Neil and I have made a New Year's (yeah shut up I know it's early) to travel..so that we shall do..starting with NYC at the end of January. Woo. SO, in accordance with that Mr. N should be getting me the ol' camcoder that I wished for on his lap for my birthday/x-mas (because y'all know I get screwed every year - damn birthday). An OFFICIAL invite goes out to Becky, Jamie, Jen and anyone else who is 21 or could pass for 21 (Val, Bill..) - Alissa..we could try for you (and I hope), but according to the woman who will be working the door (and my ol' ma) you don't look over 18 and they might not let you in :(. I plan on getting slaushed (or however you spell it) that day, so yeah...write more in a minute, I have to close IE for this to install AIM..bastards..

the past week..

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 14:38:26 GMT

I'd like to write about something..but I can't - at least not until I know for sure. Otherwise, nothing has been really happening over the past week - except that I won $$425.00 and then I took that $ and spent it on clothes for me..cos I really needed to..and it was fun :). I'll write more later...

I promise.

Happy 1,000th day anniversary Neil :) lol.
Oh, and Happy 33rd month anniversary too ;-) --- 3 more to go..

the past few...

Tue, 04 Nov 2003 04:00:27 GMT

... So, I decided to update this on a whim that told me I haven't updated in awhile - since Thursday to be exact. I'm updating this beauty while I sit here and download Hotel Paper..I hear it's a decent album. So, as I was saying, I'll start with Thursday.

The alarm goes off. I'm pissed off because it says '6:30', something I'm not used to on a Thursday. This Thursday, unlike every other, I have to attend my 8am class - due to there being a test and all. You see, I don't go to that class because it is a vast waste of my time - Abnormal Psych --> i.e. dumbed down pathological physiology. I scored the highest on my test - 96% - out of over 300 students. Take that class attenders! After that, I went on the computer to research a personal thing..and then went off-campus for lunch with Neil, and back again for classes. Woo. Thursday was also Pap's b-day.

HALLOWEEN. WOO. Again, I wake up to the whole hour with a 6 in it - pissed off. Work. WORST DAY EVER. I hate working those types of days - perk being I worked with this nice float man..but the work we had was overwhelming - didnt get it all done, no lunch, break and no fruit for me :(. Bitch D is going to hear it from me for calling off for 'personal reasons' - I SHOULD be compassionate, but she's not towards anyone else so why should I be?? So after that, I decided "I need to go out..NOW". I did candy duty for a few hours, then got 'dressed up' to go out to drink..and boy did I do that. It's been awhile since I've gone out with intentions of becoming intoxicated and actually did so..strollin in the house between 315 and 345..and dammit I spent $$$$ -- my drinks were $3.50 each..rapist bar! Neil was boring and left at 12, but that didn't stop me. All for the karaoke, smooth drinks and slop food. Woo. Good fun Halloween.

Saturday I woke up with an hour beginning with a 12 - much to my delight :), and without a hangover. Woo. I probably SHOULD have had one - I spent a good chunk of $ so I know I must have drank alot --> AND on an empty stomach. That was the first, ok I lie third, time I drank enough to effect my walking ability -usually I hold it well, but I was pissing like a racehorse every 20 minutes. I went out with my mother, and then later endured family time with cake. The cake and the reason for the cake not bothersome - the family time bothersome ---> not immediate but extended. I have words for a certain member of the extendedness, words which she will not enjoy if they ever come out of my mouth at her..I'm hoping someone else will get the balls to do it before I do - she wouldn't take me seriously anyways..I don't even think she takes herself seriously. Selfish..all I can say - to the EXTREME.

Sunday...piss on me - another day of waking up with a '6' in the hour. Easy day of work - woo :). Went out, won $, all good :). Bed early early early!

Woke up this morning, did nothing all day, enjoyed it so. Tomorrow I'm going out with Jam and Jen - a little D/T for dinner along with a little man-outing. Write more then.

For now - Breathe MB:

I’ve been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I’ve been driving you crazy
And it’s keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste another moment
In saying things we never meant to say

And I take it just a little bit
I hold my breath and count to ten
I’ve been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

Well it’s all so overrated
I’m not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what’s real

And I give you just a little time
I wonder if you realize
I’ve been wanting ‘til I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

So I whisper in the dark
Hoping you’ll hear me
Do you hear me?

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

Everything is alright if I just breathe
I’ve been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain

shit...

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 23:38:09 GMT

So, I've been feeling anxious. Why? Becuase inevitable surgery looms..I'm getting the 'scar' removed for personal in-depth reasons. That's all I'll say. Otherwise, life is decent I guess, I'm trying to get my 'shit together' and be more active or what not - but I'm always so tired. ?? Who knows. So, needless to say, I'm not in a good mood. Solution? PARTY TIME - tomorrow. I'm going out to the RB for a little splash and a little fun. Saturday, I'm free (after about 8 or 9) - so if you all want to get together - that's cool w/ me. If not - that's still cool with me - we can find another time :).

Write more later...

two things..

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 17:39:31 GMT

1. Thank you so much becky for assisting me with my journal last night - you're right, it looks 500% better on 1024x728, pappy can't see it so I just change it when I'm on. Thank you again ;)!!!
2. Visit Neil's journal at www.livejournal.com/users/evolution2348. It looks cool cos I'm cool and I did it lol :) - of course w/ the codes from my own journal which Becky did awhile ago lol - but I PICKED IT OUT! lol :).

Update more later ...

shi...ewww....tttt...

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 02:44:15 GMT

EW. In the middle of typing 'shit', i realized that the "s" key has some sort of sticky goo on it..ew! Anyways, I got my nails done today - definite pampering in order there - much needed :). I don't know how i'm going to work with nails, but at this point - they are more important to me than smelly work. BOO. What are you all doing for Halloween ?? Let me know - perhaps a hallo-party is in order. zz's for moi..night!

a lot of sadness...

Mon, 20 Oct 2003 14:44:35 GMT

Something like a black cloud seems to be hanging over everyone. Becky is mad at Jessie (which I just read..and understandably so..), a few of Neil's friends broke up with their girlfriends (one of which was long-term..), Neil and I have been battling it out - but now that's done (thank God), and Neil has to take his dog to get put to sleep today :(. It's so sad. I think he's had this dog for close to 7 years. He has some tumor-looking growth on his paw, and it's leaking and probably causing the dog much pain - so they decided to put the dog to sleep. It's so sad :(. I feel so bad for him. He loves his dog to death, he's definately an animal person. He won't let anyone go with him, which is probably not healthy, but I guess I'll have to do my best to make him feel better when I do see him. It'll be weird - even for me. I'm used to the dog now - I used to hate his dog alot, but it's sortof gotten to the point where the dog is there, but it doesn't bother me anymore. Even I want to cry, I can't imagine how bad he feels. :(.

Onto other things - what we were battling out. Neil, as most of you know, took on an overnight position, SMTWTF from 2am-9am. I go to school TT 9-5, him: TWT 1-5 (about). He's learning to drive trucks - for his CDL B - that takes up alot of time. What the issue was pertaining to was the fact that he has Sabres Seasons (which doesn't bother me per si - it doesn't bother me that he goes because I know he likes it, it bothers me when he seemingly has more energy to do things like that but when he's around me he's more dead than a rock), had two hockey teams that he played on (Sunday and Thursday) and it seemed like I was getting sqeezed out. We don't spend tons of time together - on top of all of that I work WF (and every other SS) 7-3. Our schedules weren't working. 90% of the time Neil stays here until about 5 or 6 (and on TWT he leaves right after he drops me off from school most of the time), which has been leaving me with one or two hours at most a day with him - and not really, he'd been rock-like --> dead, drooling, sleeping not doing much of anything but being there. And he knows he doesn't have to be, but he does it anyways. The thing that bothered me was that somehow, miraculously, when he had a hockey game on S or T he'd be wide awake, playing his little heart out, any hour between 8-11 for a start time. He always complained of being tired, yet when it actually comes to sleeping, 90% of the time after he leaves here at 5 or 6, which would give him 7-8 hours of sleep before work, he does other shit and then complains when I ask him if we could once in awhile go out and do something other than me sitting on the couch with his head on my lap sleeping on me. Don't get me wrong, and he knows this, I understand that he works overnights, and that he needs sleep, what was the problem was that for anything other than me he'd devote 100% of himself to, but when it came to me he was nothing but a body there, but not really there. Not only that, but he lied. ALOT. He kept on telling me he was going home to sleep, and later I would find he actually went to play hockey. If he'd had been straight with me in the first place, yeah it would have bothered me, but I would have rather had been told the truth then been snuck around on. It makes you think - if he could do that, what the hell else could he be hiding? So, anyways, after 4 hours of me telling him that I want things back the way they used to be - when we first started going out 3 years ago --> attentiveness, not feeling underappreciated, feeling like we're in it together rather than feeling like 'ok we're together but it doesn't feel like it anymore', feeling loved. So, in essence, we worked out a mini-schedule to the tune that we'll go out once or twice a week, WOO and HOO, and that it'll be things like dinner, movies - stupid dumb date things that we haven't had in eons. I told him I wanted to go back to celebrating stupid shit like Sweetest day - because it's stupid shit like that sometimes that makes you feel loved in a relationship. I told him I want flowers sometimes too dammit -yeah it's stupid, but I haven't gotten any since over 2 and a half years ago. To me, it seemed like all efforts to make this relationship fun ended 2 years ago, and he said that he wanted to fix that too. So, I told him it starts w/ self-control. Pick one day to play hockey. He has season tickets, that's random, and he goes - and that's fun for HIM. So, I told him that whenever he has a game in a week, that I want him and I to go out and do something fun for US, and once in awhile I want to drag him to something that's fun for ME. Basically, I wanted the whole level-of-funness to be even. He has a hockey team of his own, seasons - but I really don't do anything. My friends, and I love them but this is true, have their own thing - very rarely do we hit a time where our schedules allow us, and our others, or even just us, to go out and do anything --> we should work on that though ladies :). Anyways, the point is, we worked through the shit. I like that about us. Nothing stupid is going to break what we have. He needs his space for hockey, and to sleep, and that's all good with me - as long as its decently balanced between him and me, and him and his [insert activity here]. I'm glad we do that. After we duke it out, everything is alright. It builds and builds to this one day where everything presents itself, and after a few hours it's all good. That's how I know we're good for each other. We've been through SO much shit together in the past 3 years, and it all seems to work out. He knows I love him, and I know he loves me - no matter if anyone else does or not. It used to be that almost his entire family hated me for god knows what reason - I don't even believe that they had one (outside of random bullshit) - but not anymore. His mom kindof does, but I'm sure she'll eventually get over it. She finds reasons to bitch about everyone - sometimes I don't even think she likes Neil. But, oh well. It used to matter to me what everyone else thought, but now it doesn't. I'm glad it doesn't. It's been too long to think about everyone else - and I think both of us finally realize that. I think Neil's friends have finally matured - it was before that he was the only one with a girlfriend and they all bitched and moaned about it - but now that they all have girlfriends (or had them) that they understand. Damn us being the first ones ;).

Work SUCKS. If the world didn't require money, I'd quit in a heartbeat. I can't WAIT until I find out if I got the new position or not - the women on my floor can suck my ass - I can't STAND them. Bitches.

As for everything else, school seems to be floating along. I'm doing quite decently - seems almost about a *yay* 3.4ish GPA (at least it's looking that way thusfar). I must depart for the laundryroom - I have a big ass pile of stank that needs to find itself some soap. Later.

blarg...

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 23:10:05 GMT

Yeah. Today sucked. First I woke up and wrote a 7 page paper on love and possession, and then I took a test - an ESSAY test..unbeknownst to me - the syllabus said all tests were MC..dammit. I'm pissed now cos I know how I studied, and it was for an MC. Oh well. Tomorrow I get my cool wave controller for GC, I'm stuck in level 9 though dammit, Buffy is just getting to be an increasingly harder game lol. I beat the orbs, and now it's invincible zombie things that keep kicking the shit out of me :(. Ah, I guess it's a good thing, for there are only 3 levels left after that one lol. Otherwise, I've been doing much of nothing --> I have work tomorrow *WAHHH*. I hate work. BOOO. I need sleep - my sleep patterns have been all fucked up lately, so tonight will probably be an early bird for me. That's all for now. Oh..and one more thing..I can't wait until my berfday, I can't wait until my berfday ---> I'm getting tix to the Miami game (that's not the good part) to enjoy the tailgating festivities before-hand :)!

Ode to neil..if he's reading..

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 01:53:17 GMT

Look - why do you STILL find it a priority to lie to me after we've been together for 3 years? Don't you think that after this long you would learn that I don't like being lied to, and you obviously don't like being around me when I'm upset with you - so why put yourself through it? Can't you be straight with me? Damn. If this shit is what I'm going to keep getting after this long I wonder how bad it could get in the future. The fact that it's over something stupid, mundane and rediculous makes me wonder even more why you would go through the hell that I'm going to give you just to lie to me. I find things out. I'm not a stupid woman, nor will I ever be. You've never gotten one past me without me eventually figuring it out and making you pay for it. I don't have much patience left in that department. There's only so much one person can take before reaching some sort of breaking point. You've been like this for so long, and if you don't intend on changing - tell me now, I don't want to end up doing something (such as being with you in a more long-term sense) if this is what's going to keep happening - end the damn cycle already. You're a pathological liar. If it's not me who's putting up with it, it's someone else. Eventually you'll learn that you don't win people over by keeping things from them, but I fear you won't learn that lesson until you've lost every person that cares about you in your life. All I have to say is, regarding what you've lied about, you had better know what I'm talking about. That's all I have to say.

woohoo

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 13:03:09 GMT

All I have to say is WOO and HOO! No doubt is coming out with a box set - with a disc of singles (from 92-03), a disc of un-released tracks, a DVD of all of their videos, and a DVD of the Tragic Kingdom tour back in 97; and also a DVD of the Rock Steady tour this year. I'm :)!!!!!!! Only..1 month and 11 days that I have to wait until said items come into my possession :)!!!

Now that that's out - I have to go get "ready" for school..BAH!

Walking on sunshine hurts..dammit..

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 14:33:13 GMT

Yeah. So, today I have to explore the "evil" side of "love". Fucking English101. She said the essay was excellent - but missing the element of hurt. I thought to myself "what the fuck", does it ALWAYS have to hurt? Bitches. Err. However, my old essay with the comments of what I have to change are in Neil's car. I don't know when he's going to wake up either. If I had powers of telepathy..that would be now..however, I don't, and he probably won't wake up until RIGHT before the hockey game this afternoon, and thereby somehow screwing me out of finishing this paper. Really, it's not his fault, at all actually - I left it in his car..but he's the one sleeping..ok so it is my fault - but I still need him to wake his ass up! I want to know if he won that game yesterday he tried to lie his way into...bitches! If you're reading this MR. you can just tell me the truth - I'm not psychopathic. I'm gullible, but not psychopathic. He must have felt bad that I bought his "I'm tired" story, and he told me what he was really going to do lol. MMHMM...I'll remember that. I woke up this morning feeling married. I swear to God. It's not a bad thing though, I guess I just sortof realized that it's been a LONG time with him. A good long time, but a really long time nonetheless. I like it. For those of us counting, it's been close to three years...I guess I have a right to feel incredibly committed (not in the literal in a square room with pads committed...). I also woke up pissed off. I played my video game all last night, and I'm still not unlocking anything - I need to find these secrets man..RRR..I'm addicted already - this is so bad lol. I've never played one game so much in my life - other than Resident Evil..in which this game is strikingly similar to. Might I also say "SON OF A BITCH". I HATE football now lol. EVERY week I pick 4 of those teams on the card, and put a few bucks at it. EVERY week 3 of my teams will beat the shit out of the other one, and the fourth one will either tie, or lose by the spread. RRRR. I swear, I get closer to winning than people who KNOW what football is. Bitches. Even on the card that I bet 10 teams (for the hell of it) I got 7/10. Maybe I should think really hard before betting next time. Now, I'm going to the land of el video game. :) Later.

so..now that i've screwed around with the color..

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 02:00:30 GMT

SO..I haven't had a few minutes to update this in a LONG time. I worked this entire weekend...and upon doing so, discovered that my floor is the only floor which contains bitches for co-workers. Friday, I was floated up to ICU for staff shortage - nicest ladies I've ever worked with - very professional ect. The women on my floor - BITCHES. I can't stand them. I had 4 feeds, 5 completes (people who don't move) and 7 OOB's (out of beds - large people who can't move)..no one helped me Saturday - AT ALL. I got no lunch, no break, and left late. It sucked. BITCHES. They stood around acting high and mighty like "tra la la" while I'm swearing at them in my head, and almost out loud. I told the boss - she bitched at them. Thank God. They had to do alot of helping today - or else they would have gotten written up heh heh heh. Bitches. I put in a bid on another position - hopefully I'll get it. I don't have to go to hell again until Friday..hopefully by then I'll be switched. As for everything else, I've been addicted to the Buffy Chaos Bleeds game for like a week. I've finally gotten to Level 8 - but I think I need a better Guide for finding secrets and actually unlocking shit. SO..that's it for now - I'm too tired to write more. :(

I saw this in becky's journal...I figured..hell I'm bored..I'll take a stab at it..

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 23:22:07 GMT

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Krystle
-- Birth date: 12/21/83
-- Birthplace: South Buffalo, NY
-- Current Location: SoBuff
-- Eye Color: hazel-like, shit brown sorta..
-- Hair Color: I just dyed it..it's dark dirty blonde with toned highlights..
-- Height: 5" 4'
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Sag/Capricorn --> I'm on the Cusp..

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Irish, Italian; bits of German, French and Native American
-- The shoes you wore today: First I wore white sneakers, and then white flip flops once I realized it was 80 degrees out..
-- Your weakness: in a word - Mr. N
-- Your fears: dying itself, being alone, dying in solitude, being old w/ no family, no friends and being looked at as senile
-- Your perfect pizza: Cheese plain from Wise Guys on Seneca
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: travelling abroad, getting through school, perhaps moving south..

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol
-- Your thoughts first waking up: hmm..it really only takes me 5 minutes to shower, not 10, so maybe I could squeeze 5 more minutes of sleep out of here..
-- Your bedtime: whenever i am tired
-- Your most missed memory: hangin with the ladies.. :(

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Subway LOL :)
-- Single or group dates: Group dates are more fun, I don't "date" anymore, it's been so long that now it's "outings"..
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas (all day I dream about sex -- lol :))
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: NESTEA.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: VANILLA.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: mmmmm Cappuccino, Macchiato, Mochaccino...I'm all for.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: NO.
-- Cuss: YES
-- Sing: YES!!
-- Take a shower everyday: uhh yeah..
-- Have a crush: I guess you COULD call it that..
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yesserie..
-- Want to go to college:I do..I graduate in T-minus 8 months..
-- Like(d) high school: It was OK...
-- Want to get married: Yes...hoping for that r-i-n-g this XMAS..
-- Believe in yourself: Yes.
-- Get motion sickness: big yes..
-- Think you're a health freak: No, but I'm gonna start...
-- Get along with your parent(s): most of the time.

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: Technically - caffeine and alcohol..
-- Had Sex: yes
-- Gone to the mall?: NO
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: ew no...
-- Eaten sushi: no
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: no
-- Made homemade cookies: no
-- Gone skinnydipping: no
-- Dyed your hair: yes
-- Stolen anything: no

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes..not too pleasent..
-- Been caught "doing something": yes..lol
-- Been called a tease: yes
-- Gotten beaten up: no
-- Shoplifted: no
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: hmmm? 25.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2..don't know names..
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: oooh..I want white rose bouquets, white rose petals, white ribbons, medium blue or perhaps pastel green maids dresses, I want a sleeveless gown..i'll stop..
-- How do you want to die: I don't...but in my sleep i guess..
-- Where you want to go to college: Buff state
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: kindergarden teacher?
-- What country would you most like to visit: Ireland, Italy, France, Germany, Mexico, Brazil, Canada, Japan, China, Australia, NZ, England, Poland, Egypt, South Africa..

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? blue
-- Best hair color? dark brown
-- Short or long hair: short w/ side-burns
-- Height: 5 foot 10
-- Best weight: uhh..?
-- Best articles of clothing:sweats..
-- Best first date location: movies..standard..
-- Best first kiss location: in the movies..back row lol

LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: no
-- # of people I could trust with my life: 5
-- # of CDs that I own: several hundred
-- # of piercings: I want to get my eye re-peirced, and perhaps my nose?
-- # of tattoos: planning stages..
-- # of scars on my body: uhh..duh..lol
-- # of things in my past that I regret: none really..

Extras:

-- all i need is: happiness
-- when i look in the mirror i see: uhh my reflection??
-- love is: truth..honesty..
-- if a demon crashed into my window i would: bust out some buffy moves lol
-- if i could see one person right now, who would it be?: My grandma..
-- something i want but i don't really need is: a new car...
-- something i need but i don't really want is: A NEW JOB....lol
-- i live for: myself
-- it makes me angry when: i'm lyed to..
-- i dream about: life
-- i daydream about: MR. N :)

sicker than dog shit....literally...

Sat, 04 Oct 2003 01:47:30 GMT

Seriously this has been one of the worst days...EVER. Work sucked MAJOR ass. I hate working with this one girl and I ALWAYS get paired with her. Fuck her. Bitch. She fucking yelled at me like she has some goddamned authority to..she's just the same as I. Bitch. I'm sick. I hate being sick - it sucks. NOTHING works on my damn congestion - NOTHING. I took EXTRA STRENGTH Tylenol for SEVERE Congestion..and NOTHING. I'm still congested. Lying sons of bitches. Plus, my wisdoms are coming in..I look like a chipmunk with a fever on speed wearing a clown nose. Damn sickness. I need much drugs.....maybe I'll travel to the land of el doctero or SOMETHING...I'm feeling a bad sleep coming on..sleep fuuuuuuuulll of wishing that this congestive land would go away. I think it's safe now to take Sudafed. At least that shit works. Until some other day..when I look at least better than a chipmunk with a fever on speed wearing a clown nose...

writing...

Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:36:15 GMT

I decided that since I went through so much trouble to get this goddamn journal..that I should write in it more often. So, here goes nothing. Today was an incredibly juice-draining day. Speaking of juice, I'm deciding that I don't want caffeine or pop in my diet anymore. So, therefore, I am getting rid of said items. Yes kids, this means giving up mocha's at Starbucks :(, or maybe just turning that into a decaf mocha. Damn. The fraps at work have caf in 'em too..but I don't work that often so it's not that bad. Anyways, I woke up and wrote a 28-page report (which took me awhile) on alcohol. Woo. Down with the woo..but not the hoo - it took a hell of a lot longer than I wanted it to. Then, I wrote a compilation of "What love is" - yeah I'm Gened-in it up with ENG101, as no other class would require me to do such things. I'm getting sick. :(. I can feel it in my sinuses and in my throat. Perhaps if I go to work sick they will realize that I'm sick and make me go home - since calling off when you're sick is not accepted somehow. Yeah, I'll just infect the patients. Hey guys - don't forget to send your sick relatives to Mercy so that I can make them even sicker. Fucked up hospital logic isn't it? Well, on that note - I'm off to hit the sack, I'm worn out.

Quote of the day (I normally don't do this shit but it was funny): My pappy walking around the house for a half an hour screaming SHIT IN A HAT. I don't know if that's one of the things you kindof had to be there for..but it made me laugh.

Night.

liar liar..

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 00:05:32 GMT

One interesting thing did happen to me this past..whatever amount of days..I went to Jamie's 21st party. Twas fun. Saw family (don't you even laugh) that I haven't seen in awhile..intersting it was...traded stories..had fun. Jamie - tell me what kind of vodka that berry stuff was..twas good.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The funny thing. Must write. Now my memory decides to pull the interesting out of it. Last week after I woke up from a nap in the commons between classes I found a hole in my ass of my pants. I think someone (NEIL) slit my ass open while I was sleeping. I had to leave campus early..for that was not something that needed to be exposed.

Now I must depart.

bloody noses...not of the fun..

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 00:02:17 GMT

It's been awhile..

That's because nothing interesting happens to me. Maybe I'm just not an interesting gal. Who knows? I can't write in this thing unless I have something to write about. Even work is boring now - no floor shitters, no boob-grabbers..it's dry.

But, I'm down with the woo and the hoo on my first test. A-. WOO and HOO. CogSci = not easy...so it's like me to be with the proud on this one.

I have to go now..I have to write a reading log on alcohol articles for class tomorrow..I'm still deciding whether it would be easier to write multiple choice questions, or actual "response" type essays to them. There are fucking 20 articles for this shit. Damn - and this was supposed to be my EASY class. Bitches.

And..then..after that, I get to 'revise' my excellent rough draft, a project I do not intend to look forward to.

My nose is dripping now.

I must depart.